Get to Know Me
We all know one of Those people – you know what I mean; Those people who’s friends just talk to, unburden on, ask for their advice and help. Well, I’m one of Them. Always have been. At school – particularly in Chemistry for some reason, you would often find me sitting at the back of class either whispering frantically or passing notes with a friend about Girl Trouble (or something equally earth-shattering). For those who knew, “Aunty Andrew’s” sessions were a source of amusement. As I got older, so did the conversations. At university I was an unofficial counsellor and could frequently be found buried in some corner of the library talking people through their issues. And I liked it; I’ve always liked helping people – I guess it’s in my blood. My mother was a Physio and my dad a teacher, so it just made sense.
However, it didn’t seem to matter how much I helped others, I just couldn’t help myself. Most of my life was a long line of me feeling like a failure, letting myself and those around me down. I jumped from job to job; either struggling to hold one down, or simply feeling bored, frustrated and convinced that people I worked with didn’t like me, so I would never get promoted.
These feelings worked into my psyche so that I clammed up in interviews, suffered anxiety before meetings – convincing myself I had missed something, or not followed the project brief, done something wrong.
In 2013 I was diagnosed with ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder), and I started to understand some of my differences – why I struggled in certain social settings, why I didn’t always “fit in”. While I was able to go to my workplaces and say “I have this”, it didn’t stop my feelings of ineptitude, and sheer panic around interviews and meetings.
I started working with companies I was employed by to try to get them to become more neuro-diverse friendly, and while great strides were made, my own feelings of self-worth didn’t improve.
I was still helping friends, guiding them through personal struggles, their own insecurities, relationship break-ups and through their own discoveries of neuro-diversity, but I couldn’t get through my own.
